Michael Jackson’s story was tragic long before his sudden death last week. His troubled adolescence, his bizarre behavior as an adult, and that nose. It changed so much over the years that it became difficult for me to reconcile the man I loved in the ’80s as the same one who graced the cover of Ebony in ’07.
Seeing Mike struggle with his personal demons, and later his health issues, was hard to watch. But it was just as hard to look away. I mean, this was the guy who provided the soundtrack to my childhood. I knew his dance moves, his songs, his monkey’s name. A true fan.
illustration by artistcalida (www.artistcalida.com)
By the time Bad was released in 1987, however, the man I knew so well had become a stranger. Mike’s once-beautiful face looked more like a mask — pale and unrecognizable.
Who could’ve imagined that the worse was yet to come. With each public appearance, the mask morphed into something more ghoulish, like one of the creatures from the “Thriller” video. Witnessing his transformation was pretty painful, but looking back, it’s clear that Mike was the one who was truly hurting.
The emotional pain of his fractured childhood haunted him endlessly. The loneliness of his superstardom turned him into a recluse. Botched plastic surgeries, rumors of anorexia, and the always-fading skin. It was just too much to bear. And yet there was more.
Battling lupus, a disease that compromises the immune system and tricks the body into attacking itself, reportedly caused Mike intense physical pain. It may have also been the reason he wore those hospital masks in public. Yet even with his serious health issues, the Michael Jackson circus rarely let up.
When the pop star admitted to an addiction to painkillers in 1993, I wasn’t surprised. My first thought was that he was looking to numb a lifetime of mental and physical suffering. And with millions of dollars at his disposal, he was giving it a valiant try. Maybe he needed to be on some sort of medication. Some of us do. The meds themselves weren’t the problem. I’ve been on my fair share over the last year, and I don’t begrudge anyone who needs to escape the pain temporarily.
The real issue was Mike’s self-medicating or overmedicating. Or, more acurately, keeping a physician around who would do both for him. It will be some time before we learn whether drugs played a role in the singer’s death, but reports are now surfacing that his prescription medications are at the center of the investigation. Not that I need to wait for that. I know a drug-induced haze when I see one. I’ve been there.
I spent weeks in pain after my surgery. At one point, I was poppin’ so much Percocet and Vicodin that my mom did a one-woman intervention, threatening to flush my pills if I didn’t stop “abusing them.” At the time, I remember thinking that she had no idea what I was going through, that she couldn’t possibly understand how much pain I was in. I even contemplated filling a prescription for an antidepressant and another for anxiety. But who was I kidding? Lorraine is the original slayer. She battled and beat cancer almost a decade ago, and she didn’t have any plans on becoming my enabler.
She was more insightful then I’d ever let on, because with my “habit” sufficiently kicked, I became an active part in my healing and recovery. It was no easy road, but it was certainly easier to master with a clear head. I wish the same had been true for Mike. But living subdued on a painkiller high didn’t give him much of a chance to begin with. He really had no way of confronting his past in a healthy way, nor did he have an opportunity to heal properly. Instead, he masked years of pain, tormented, ill, and ill-advised. May he rest in peace — finally.
10 Comments
July 3, 2009 at 6:13 pm
Your post was brutally honest, and probably what those who have suffered and have a love for Michael J. are thinking. What hurts me most about his death is the fact that he never got a chance to redeem himself, for himself. Not in the public eye, because I doubt the world would ever truly give him his due. A lifetime of self doubt and low self esteem was hidden at first by a talent the world will NEVER EVER KNOW AGAIN. People can argue the talents of many others, but no one will have ingredients to blend the specific recipe that was MJ……
July 3, 2009 at 6:48 pm
good post! Love Calida’s illustration
July 4, 2009 at 11:02 am
Didn’t know he had lupus. That is an eye opener. From the few people I have met who have it, it does indeed seem to be physically crippling at times.
I guess I can understand how a patient would be tempted to overdo the medicine in a situation like this. I’ve been fortunate to not have had any critical diseases so I continue to pray for those of you who do and that you find effective ways – as you are – and effective people – as you have – to help you through it.
Here’s another thing I’m really want to know, Chana, and it’s about as much celebrity voyeurism as I’ve ever been curious about. Will we ever know what was the deal with with the lightened skin? Is there really some rare disease that changes your color like that or did he have it done intentionally somehow to compliment the structural changes of the plastic surgery?
July 5, 2009 at 8:11 pm
Great Post Chana. Love Calida’s artwork as well! You pretty much summed it up for me.
However, I am confused about the comment that the world did not giving him his due. The world has demonstrated much love for Michael. He was given more passes for his many idiosyncrasies than you and I would have have ever received due to his brillance as a singer and a perfomer.
Thank you for your honesty and sharing your truth once again. We all have options and should be held accountable. Based upon interviews that I have seen with Michael nervously shaking his legs and other strange behaviors (i.e. lightening his skin, EXTENSIVE plastic surgeries, uncomfortable obsession with children, hanging babies over balconies, and the list goes on) it is no surprise to me that the issue of drug abuse is being raised. What is a surprise is that we professed to love him but ignored his weaknesses. I believe we saw these issues but chose to ignore them. Perhaps Michael would have been better served if we (the public) and he and his family would have held him to the same level of accountability that we hold ourselves and our loved ones to rather than providing so many excuses because of his superstar status. I am not sure that if Michael was the average person we would have been so quick to defend and excuse his behavior.
We all have issues that require us to look at the man in the mirror and make a choice. You clearly did this through your journey because you were confronted by those who loved you and you had the courage to make that change!
July 5, 2009 at 11:28 pm
Now that it’s been revealed that Michael had lupus, which by the way is rare in men, and that he did indeed have vitiligo, how many of us are sorry that we never believed him when he told us years ago that he had it.
Most of us, including myself, were convinced that he was bleaching his skin. Personally, I feel a bit bad that I didn’t believe him; that I was quick to pass judgment. There’s a lesson in all of life’s experiences and Michael’s untimely death has taught me to be more tolerant of people’s shortcomings because we all have them.
July 13, 2009 at 10:54 am
You left out the many incidents of molestation charges. He settled them out of court like anyone who is guilty.
July 14, 2009 at 10:01 am
He settled in the first case and was aquitted in the second case.
July 15, 2009 at 8:54 pm
http://www.whoismichael.com/mary-fisher.htm
MJ is innocent read this…………His insurance company actually paid in 93 and 15.3 million dollars for a guy who was around the peak of his career, making over 150 million dollars a year and a billion dollar fortune is not nonthing. That no way proves anything since after they interviewd over 200 people searched all of his property and interviewd child after child and couldn’t find any evidence. Not any. The descriptions didn’t match that has been said severl times and if you are going by what sneddon says of course he isn’t gonna say he had no evidence or no case since in fact he hated MJ. Check your facts.
July 16, 2009 at 8:34 pm
Hi. Just looking for any info. re Michael. I grew up with his music and loved him. In my country -Trinidad and Tobago- he was mourned….really mourned. His music, dvds, etc. were sold out. I too did not know he was suffering with lupus…a really dreadful disease. Oh and that burn in 1984. My heart is broken for him, his life, kids and death. May God in His love have mercy on his soul. He’s in a better place…in the choir of angels….leading methink. Blessings.
July 19, 2009 at 6:56 pm
Hi There! Thank you for replying, was pleasantly surprised. I’m from Trinidad and Tobago in the Caribbean. We’re famous for our calypsoes, Soca Music and Carnival. (If you ever heard ‘Hot, Hot, Hot’)?….and our wining…what you call boogieing down. (Smile) I’m not much of a blogger, but will visit yours again. It’s great….yes…Michael is very much missed here. Oh our Catholic News (I am a catholic) and that’s not a sin…(Big laugh) a Priest friend, Martin, wrote a beautiful article about MJ on his viewpoint column titled ‘Music’s Secular Saint’. I felt understood, vindicated and at peace, for want of a better word. He said it all. You can view it at ‘www.catholicnews-tt.net’Page 14. Hope you check it out. God Bless you and thanks. MJ is in my prayers and I know he is in a better place in the heavenly choir…our secular saint. Bye for now. Shasha. (Aisha Mawasi)