illustration by artist calida (www.artistcalida.com)
My family is the real-life version of the Griswolds from National Lampoon’s. More space cadet than rocket scientist. The kind of people who are really good at getting in their own way.
You’ve seen us before. At the rest stop wondering how we drove 40 miles in the wrong direction. At the movies bragging about how we’re smarter than everyone else with our store-bought sodas and garbage bag full of homemade popcorn. Hours late to all the events we didn’t RSVP for.
So, several months ago, when I started suffering from chemo brain — short-term memory loss and a decline in cognitive abilities due to chemotherapy — I wasn’t sure whether the drugs were to blame or my Garcia genes. Let me provide a sketch of the patriarchs of our family for a little context.
My dad, Joe, has belt-attached holsters that sit on both hips. One is for his cell phone and the other is for his glasses. That in and of itself is pretty funny, because my dad wears his pants so high that his belt is typically above his belly button. But the real reason I bring this up is because he purchased the special holders to keep track of his phone and his specks, which he loses all the time. Invariably, though, one, if not both, of his hip-slung carrying cases winds up empty, and helping him retrace his steps goes something like this:
Joe: “Did you see where I put my glasses?”
Me: “Nope. Where did you have them last?”
Joe: “On my face.”
Those older ATMs, the ones where you insert your card in the machine, were a cruel joke for my dad. For some reason, he never caught on that the loud, methodical beeping at the end of the transaction was a reminder to grab your card. I can’t count how many times he’d go out to get money only to return with no card, cursing under his breath, because the machine sucked it up.
And it’s not just memory loss that gets the better of the Garcias. We have an uncanny knack for offending folks just by being ourselves, getting all the family gossip wrong, and landing in the most bizarre situations.
Take my uncle Tony, my dad’s younger brother. He’s gotten peed on by a Tiger, once choked a cab driver in Italy he thought was trying to cheat him, and is convinced that a rooster on the farm where he and my dad spent their summers as kids wanted to kill him.
This is the same uncle who wears a one-piece adult-size snowsuit indoors during winter because his historic home in Germantown, Pa., is too costly to heat. Get Joe and Tony together and forget about it.
When my cousin Calida and I moved to New York more than 10 years ago, our dads volunteered to drive the U-Haul. Why this was even allowed is beyond me.
this is exactly what my uncle's indoor snowsuit looks like
We’d just gotten the last of my stuff from my mom’s house and were ready to hit the New Jersey Turnpike for the 100-mile trip. My uncle, who thought he was in drive but was actually in reverse, backed the moving truck into my mom’s wooden fence. The damage was pretty bad, but instead of calling an expert or telling my mom, the Garcias spent an hour working furiously to straighten out the bent pieces and then drove off. To this day, the latch on that fence still doesn’t work right.
Considering that I share the same DNA as Joe and Tony, I immediately looked inward when I lost two sets of house keys in the same week and noticed I was having difficulty remembering what I was saying mid-sentence.
At first, I attributed it to chemo. Cancer patients almost always have long-term affects from the meds, a mental fog if you will. But then I remembered that I am a Garcia. We are, by nature, challenged individuals.
This got me wondering who would win in a battle between chemo brain and the Garcia gene. And by win I mean which one is likely the biggest contributor to my cognitive lapses. Here are just a few examples of the sideaffects of cancer drugs:
* Being unusually disorganized
* Confusion
* Difficulty multitasking
* Short-term memory problems
* Trouble with verbal memory, such as remembering a conversation
* Trouble with visual memory
Heavy stuff, right? Maybe for anybody else’s family. I’m beginning to think that a matchup between chemo brain and Garcia gene might be tied. As Joe and Tony have passed the Griswold syndrome down to their progeny, the above symptoms just happen to be things that now plague the rest of us.
And all of this will be on full display during the family trip that we’re planning for next year. God help us.
19 Comments
October 16, 2009 at 3:21 pm
For me it’s the same only I attribute it to chemo brain or early onset Alzheimer’s…not sure how long I can blame chemo, it’s still the go to person when I think about all the weight I can’t lose…hope you’re doing well!!
October 16, 2009 at 3:22 pm
Chana, the conversation between you and your dad about his lost glasses is hilarious! And I’m going to have Ben buy snowsuits for us and the boys! My mother thought she lost her glasses once but they were sitting on top of her head in her hair. Take comfort, girl–you all are perfectly normal.
October 16, 2009 at 4:09 pm
Chana….now that was too darn funny. Once again I’m not alone with my fried brain!!! That’s for sharing! Philly love
October 16, 2009 at 4:27 pm
Hilarous! Sounds like my family.
October 16, 2009 at 5:18 pm
Loved that post. Damn, you nailed every sentence. As a writer, myself, that was poetry and funny as hell for the icing on the cake.
October 16, 2009 at 6:38 pm
LOL, Chana! Too funny. Please tell your Uncle Tony and Dad that Popeye the rooster used to attack me at the farm across the street when I was growing up. It was in the 50′s. So I have no problem believing in an attack rooster! I love the Garcia’s forgetfulness, and have known your Dad long enough to suspect you may have inherited a bit of the Garcia brain
It’s because you are all so smart that it’s hard for the brain to keep all the stuff inside. So the keys and cards get lost, but we all love to read your stories. I just hope your printing is bigger than your Dad’s. Be well. Love, K
October 16, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Hilarious! I don’t know which gene keeps up funny, focused and fabulous in the face of it all but let’s keep that one. Did they think the damage to the gate was invisible to Ma? No sireeeee
October 16, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Chana,
You definitely get your grace, intelligence and downright wit from the Garcia gene. What a great column. I laughed so hard I cried.
Keep them coming, gyrl, and I’ll keep reading.
Love you much!
October 17, 2009 at 1:54 am
This was hilarious. My favorite.
October 17, 2009 at 2:16 pm
that was funny!
October 19, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Having spent a grand total of one afternoon with Uncle Tony, I can believe it. Don’t worry, I’ll come with you to your holster fitting.
October 19, 2009 at 2:13 pm
Great stuff. and so funny, the indoor snow suit was great, I was having a conversation about that the other day – no fears my dear, this is not uncommon. Everyday folks do this too, its an alternative to high CON-ED bills; how much sense it makes? That for the landlord with the frozen heating pipes to determine.
The fence was great too. To adult men trying to fix a gate while there adult daughters watch on…
Whether its chemo brain or the garcia gene, it definatley works for the posts.
October 19, 2009 at 8:47 pm
Chana,
Interesting take on this stuff that happens to us after chemo. I don’t know about that radiation either. I’m sure my daughter Natalie will find your article interesting because our little family has as many challenges. I enjoy your posts, keep it up!!!!!
October 19, 2009 at 9:16 pm
High freakin hilarity! Thx for this laugh, Chana.
October 21, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Truly funny post. Thanks so much–I needed a good laugh. Actually just wanted to thank you for posting your initial story. You might have saved my life.
I’ve suffered from similar symptoms as yours for 11 years since giving birth to my daughter. Although I’d seen specialists every year in search of the cause of my symptoms, they misdiagnosed me.
At this year’s annual exam, I asked my OBGYN to give me the CA-125 test you mentioned. She refused at first, but agreed to give me a pelvic ultra sound.
The ultrasound revealed a 17.4cm tumor. Then she gave me the CA-125 test, which came back with ‘elevated’ levels.
Hopefully the gyne-onc will be able to help me.
If I hadn’t read your blog my doctors would still be trying to convince me that I was just fat and old–instead of suffering from ovarian cancer.
Thanks so much for spreading the word. God bless you!
November 12, 2009 at 6:16 pm
Wow, this really shows how important Chana’s blog is! Good luck to you and keep being your own advocate and demanding what you believe your body needs!
November 12, 2009 at 6:14 pm
Chana you are hysterical, I needed that laugh today! Your Dad and Uncle are too much. Not the snow suit girl! Not to mention your dad with his belt attached holsters. I would love to visit and meet them they would crack me up.
I think the Garcia gene beat out chemo head hand down. Your fine, we all forget. I think it is more contributed to age rather than chemo or genes.
I am at the point that everytime I forget I think I have the jones gene or my dad’s alzheimers is creeping up on me. Hang in there!
November 13, 2009 at 1:23 pm
Just got home from the hospital. Had a complete hysterectomy on Tuesday. It was ovarian cancer. My gynonc was fantastic, the hospital and staff were wonderful. Thanks again for spreading the word about this disease. God bless you!
July 16, 2010 at 8:13 am
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