June 1, 2010

50′s 60-pound weight loss is only the half

50's sickly appearance for his next role as a cancer patient

Looking at pictures of 50 Cent’s dramatic weight loss takes me back to 2008, the year I had my surgery and started chemo. It sure wasn’t pretty, but more on that in a moment.
 
50 dropped 60 pounds — reportedly by adopting a liquid diet and walking on a treadmill for three hours a day — for his latest role as a football player who becomes a cancer patient.

His photos are shocking. His face is gaunt, and his eyes seem disturbingly empty. It got me wondering if that’s what folks thought about me when I dropped 30 pounds at the start of my cancer experience.

I only have a few pictures of myself at 120 pounds, and I can’t look at them without cringing. My collarbone is protruding, and my eyes look sunken in. I underwent rapid weight loss, which, as you can tell from the photo, is pretty unforgiving.

When I smiled, I felt really self-conscious about showing my teeth because my pearly whites turned dull, and I looked like I was a few vitamins short of dysentery. Perhaps worst of all, though, I lost my hips and thighs, which, for a black woman, is the equivalent of losing your most prized assets.

I cried when I couldn’t fill out a pair of size 4 jeans. I remember being around my girls, who are all nice and thick, and thinking about how unattractive I looked. When surrounded by their voluptuous bodies, I felt like Star Jones. And that gave me a whole new appreciation for curves and a little body fat.

It took me about a year before I began to feel and look like my normal self. When I ditched my first round of chemo cocktails for Avastin, the drug I’m on now, I no longer had a constant medicine taste in my mouth. And when my appetite returned, I decided to eat whatever I wanted, and it worked.
 
I started busting out my cancer clothes with the quickness, and I said many Hail Mary’s when my butt returned. When some random dude on the street complimented me on my curvaceousness, I got really excited. He had no idea how much he’d made my day. I felt like I was back after a very unattractive 12 months.

So, I write all this in the hope that 50′s new movie, which I’m going to see even though I heard it’s “good and terrible,” shows him rebound from his sickly appearance. Clearly, my own metamorphosis from Skeletor to thick girl is proof that it’s possible to bounce back from cancer-causing weight loss.

In fact, when I go to the hospital for treatment, I see very few cancer patients who look like cancer patients. You’d never even know that most of them were on chemo. That makes me thankful to live in the time of modern medicine, which is probably really rudimentary in the grand scheme of it all. Nevertheless, we’ve come a long way from the images of that frail, near-death dude in the Julia Roberts’ movie Dying Young.

Recently, one of the nurses in the chemo unit told me that I was pretty healthy. You know, uhm, cancer aside. It sounds like an oxymoron, but luckily in the 21st century, it doesn’t have to be.

I hope 50′s new flick represents us right.

May 21, 2010

kudos to caretakers

My poor blog has been neglected over the past several weeks, mostly because I’ve been doing a lot of work for other people. I’m not complaining. This freelance life definitely requires a little give and take. Although these days, I’m doing a lot more giving than I am taking.
 
But when I sat down to write this entry, I realized that I spend a lot of time blabbing about myself when there’s one group of people that I should’ve acknowledged many posts ago. Consider this the first of many.  

Since I started my cancer crusade, I’ve been supported by a legion of caretakers — friends and family — who have helped this Slayer gyrl come back strong. I still have a long way to go, but the road to recovery is best traveled with a crew, and I have one of the dopest around.   

Case in point: My diagnosis, surgery, and chemo were a pretty crappy series of events. It’s like someone threw in all the ingredients of the worst things that can happen in life and served them to me straight up.  

A few days before my surgery, though, I’m at home, belly distended with about nine liters of fluid called acites, which  often forms around ovarian tumors. It was uncomfortable and, literally, killing me, but I wasn’t so much nervous about the events that were about to unfold as I was eager to get the damn surgery over and done with. As I was sitting around trying to get my mind right, who decides to come sauntering through my door at 9 p.m. from more than 3,000 miles away? My road dog and favorite cousin, ArtistCalida.  

a joint birthday celebration for the garcia gyrls

Now, Calida and I have been like hotdogs and applesauce since the beginning. Our dads are brothers, and we were born only two days apart. We lived around the corner from each other our entire childhoods, left our homes in Wilmington, Del., to go to different HBCUs, and then regrouped like long-lost twins in New York City, where we lived together (and got robbed, but that’s another story).  

After spending our twenties living it up in NYC, Calida made her way to the West Coast, where she now has a family of her own. So when she showed up at my apartment in Brooklyn in June of 2008, I was surprised to see her. But then again, it made all the sense in the world. With my cancer run-in, our twin energy was off, and Lida had to come back to restore it.  

So, fast-forward to a new and healthier me (y’all get the blog updates), and now I get to cheer from the sidelines. Lida just finished her first children’s book, Same Difference, which is a beautifully illustrated story about black hair, diversity, and two precocious little cousins who act more like twins. Sounds awfully familiar.  

 

joint toilet time -- one of the book's illustrations

Same Difference, which was published last month, has already gotten glowing reviews by Essence, and my cuz is doing  readings and visiting classrooms in Los Angeles to talk about her work. The book is less about me (and another one of our cousins who got morphed into the same character) and more about celebrating the beauty of diversity. Either way, I’m glad to have been along for the journey and to see the story of our sweet-as-pie childhood come to life in vivid colors and detail.     

Most of all, though, I’m feeling pretty proud to have served as one-half of my cousin’s inspiration, especially since she has often been the source of mine — like the night I shed my cancer cocoon and emerged a Cancer Slayer.  

When I first opened my eyes post-surgery, Lida was at my bedside. And when my doctors forced me to get up and walk around the very same day, she held my robe closed so I wouldn’t moon the hospital visitors who passed us by.   

She made me laugh even though I had staples in my stomach and helped me sneak sips of water when the doctors told me I could only have ice chips.   

There’s nothing like having a cousin there to help you bend the rules. And that’s how it’s been since we were little enough to share the same toilet seat — which really did happen.   

 

April 20, 2010

a chemo vacation

Some folks have demanding careers, others have demanding families. Me? My daily grind is managing the Big C. 

Doctor’s appointments, chemotherapy sessions, and (possibly the worst of all) regular weigh-ins. Cancer is a constant responsibility, something I have to adjust my life around.

Take, for instance, planning trips, which I’m in the process of doing. My mom and I are traveling this summer, but before I can buy tickets or book a hotel, I have to make sure my getaway doesn’t interfere with my cancer. Where I come from, a manager doesn’t approve time off; a doctor does.  

If I’m going to miss a week of chemo, I have to let her know. If I’m not feeling well, I have to call in. Running late? Tell someone in her office. She’s like my new boss — only I like her. 

My cancer routine is so, well, routine that I rarely give it a second thought. Then, lo and behold — I  get a week off.

No checking in with the boss, no popping pills, and no white blood cell counts. My taste buds stop flipping out (hello, coffee) and my body feels whole again (hello, martini). I’m not fatigued, nor am I on cancer gyrl autopilot. 

My chemo vacation arrives after back-to-back sessions, and I swear the sun shines a bit brighter during those seven days. I get a flash of what it was like before cancer came my way. Sometimes, I even forget I have it.

Last week was my off week, and I kept wondering why I felt so giddy. I even contemplated a karaoke outing with some co-workers before it was postponed. In a world where normal means saline solutions and white coats, grabbing a mic and singing Pat Benatar hits sounded like big fun. 

But, alas, my chemo-free vacation has come to an end, and I’m gearing up for my next cycle. Actually, I’m getting hooked up to the juice as I write this. It’ll be another two weeks of putting cancer first, or, as I like to say, returning to my day job.